Fourth Grade Camp Sucks
by Kate The Cactus
Summary: The fourth grade class is sent to a summer camp for a school trip. Maybe being in a dangerous forest with disgusting tents, annoying-as-hell people, maybe bears, and possibly getting some kind of disease isn't your idea of a fun time... and your absolutely right. While the class tries desperately not to bash in their skulls with rocks, could there be a bright side? The answer is no
1. Chapter 1

"Alright class, let's take our seats" Mr. Garrison said walking into the fourth grade classroom, standing in front of the rows of desks. He turned to them with a confused look, finding that they were all quietly at their desks. "Huh, I guess you already have... Now children, we need to talk about the rules and procedures for-"

He was interrupted by the sound of a kid snoring loudly.

Mr. Garrison groaned and grabbed a ruler. He walked over to the desk of the sleeping child, quietly raising the ruler. With one fast swipe, he smacked the desk with a loud cracking sound.

"AHHH JESUS" The kid's head flew up instantly. The rest of the kids, who were also asleep, were alert in an instant.

"ERIC YOU STOP SNORING AND PAY ATTENTION!" Mr. Garrison yelled, while moving the puppet on his hand. He put the ruler back. "Yes Mr. Hat, that is absolutely correct." He let out a sigh. "Now children, I know 6 in the morning is an early time for kids your age..."

"Damn right..." Stan grumbled.

"...But, we must wake up early to get to the campground since it'll take us about two hours to get there. And the sooner we get there, the sooner you kids can act obnoxious and you can run around like squirrels on crack all you want. Now as I was saying..."

Most of the kids zoned out as the teacher began talking about the rules again. Cartman went right back to sleeping. Kyle sighed and leaned over to Stan.

"Dude, I don't even feel like going to Fourth Grade Camp anymore..." He muttered.

Stan nodded in agreement, his blue hat slowly sliding over his eyes. "I didn't even make an effort to get dressed properly."

"Nobody did..." Clyde whispered from behind, still wearing his pajamas.

"At least one of us is happy about going" Kyle turned his head lazily to the corner of the class, where Butters sat with his hands folded neatly in his lap as he listened to rules with a smile.

Mr. Garrison finished telling the students the information that they needed to know. "So, do we have any questions?" Cartman raised his hand. "Yes Eric..."

"Will we be fed?"

"Yes, but no outside food is allowed."

"Goddammit..." Cartman slammed a fist down on the desk top.

"Mr. Garrison, they have first aid there, right?" Kyle questioned with uncertainty.

"I dunno I'm not a friggin psychic," He replied.

"What if we change our minds and we want to go home?" Clyde asked.

"Oh look kids" Mr. Garrison announced before the question was answered. "Your bus is packed up. Now single file outside, your parents are waiting to say goodbye."

The class obeyed as they left the classroom and exited the building. The parents stood there, just as Mr. Garrison said.

"Goodbye Stanley! We'll miss you" Stan's mom said, hugging him.

"Don't do drugs, okay?" His dad added.

"Yeah sure dad," Stan replied and walked towards the bus. Kyle slowly followed, dragging a small body behind him.

"No no no" It cried out.

"Ike, you can't come to camp with me!" Kyle pressed. Yet the little Canadian hung onto his leg.

"Abababa" Ike babbled, looking up at his older brother.

"I'm sorry buddy," Kyle finally detached him and picked him up. "You'll be fine without me for awhile." Ike looked at him sadly. Kyle frowned. "Don't look at me like that..."

As Kyle was negotiating with his brother, Cartman dragged a large bag behind him.

"Dude, what the hell is in there? A dead body?" Stan demanded.

"Not this time," Cartman replied. "I'm not going to tell you because you'll want me to share, and it's not happening."

"Eric, they check the bags for food, so I wouldn't if I were you..." Mr. Garrison commented as he walked past.

Cartman growled and dragged the bag back to his mom. "Alright poopsiekinz, I brought the cookies for your trip!" She exclaimed.

"Plan B mom... Take this one back... Wheres the smaller one?"

"Right here sweetie!" Cartman's mom smiled, handing it over.

"Sweeeeet" He grinned.

"So, where's Kenny?" Stan asked as he walked back over.

"Already on. He didn't pack anything," Cartman responded. "Big shocker right?" He added sarcastically.

"Well, I'm ready to get on... Where's Kyle?" Stan asked.

"Who cares."

Stan walked over to where Kyle was before, finding him still talking to his brother. "Okay Ike, I really need to go now... Don't make me kick the baby."

"No no no" Ike protested.

"Kick the baby," Kyle drop-kicked his brother away. He turned to Stan and Cartman. "Okay I'm ready."

"You sure?" Stan tilted his head.

"Yes..." Kyle marched past both of them and walked onto the bus. Soon, all of the fourth graders were loaded onto the bus. Mr. Mackey walked on the bus before it left.

"M'kay students, there's one last thing. There is a no cell phone rule, so please pass them up front, m'kay?"

The students all groaned in unison before passing the phones up. Mr. Mackey collected them all in a bucket. "Alright students, you all be good now, M'kay?" he said, before walking back out of the bus.

"Okay, I'm going to sleep... Wake me up when we get there." Kyle sighed, pulling a pillow out of his bag and reclined his seat. "At least we got the fancy bus. I didn't think the school had anymore money." A few minutes after that line, Kyle was fast asleep.

Stan looked over at him, then glanced around at the other students. The majority of them were dozing off, the ones who weren't chatted quietly to one another. He rested his chin on the palm of this hand, while leaning against the window. "Guess I'm alone for the duration of this trip..." he sighed. Soon, he felt his eyes become heavy. After a while, he drifted off to sleep as well.

.~.~.~.

"We're here!" The voice of the bus driver jerked Stan awake. He looked outside the window, seeing a lot of trees. He looked over at Kyle, who was in what looked like the most uncomfortable sleeping position possible. Stan poked him in the side. "We're here" he whispered.

Kyle's head shot up in an instant. "Wha- where are we?" He looked out the window. "Oh, right..."

Once everyone was awake, the fourth graders wandered off the bus. When they were all present, two adults walked over.

"Welcome children, to camp Happy Sun!" A women exclaimed.

"Oh, it's gonna be one of _those_ camps..." Stan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Are you all ready to have a fun time?" A man asked with a grin. When no one replied, he put a hand up to his ear. "I can't hear you!"

"Whoopie!" Butters was the only one to reply.

"That's the spirit!" He laughed. "We're your camp councilors! I'm Todd!"

"And I'm Mary!" The women chimed in. "We're gonna unload the luggage and separate into groups. Then we'll have a great time."

"This is freaking me out dude..." Stan whispered to Kyle. He nodded in agreement.

After a few minutes, all of the bags were on the ground. "Okay troopers, all of the boys will be in my group, and the girls will go with Mary." Todd announced. Now, let's grab our stuff, and head down to the lodges!" He turned and started down a path. The fourth grade boys followed him with bags in tow. Stan was near the rear of the line. Suddenly, somebody grabbed his arm. He looked over, seeing Wendy to his left.

"Good luck, this camp is really giving off some bad vibes..." She whispered.

"You too. Don't get eaten by bears" Stan joked.

"That's not funny" she frowned.

"Sorry... I'll see you later" He quickened his pace, trying to catch up with the others.

.~.~.~.

"EY!" Cartman yelled, while smacking his arm.

"What?" Stan asked, glancing back at the fat fourth grader.

"These damn mosquitoes! This is the fifth one that's bit me!" A hand smacked him in the face. "KYLE YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Sorry, there was another mosquito" He snickered. Cartman grumbled under his breath.

"Here we are!" Todd announced, pointing towards a clearing.

"Finally..." Cartman growled. "I can't wait to sit in my comfortable, air-conditioned..." He trailed off. In front of them, laid four large tents, about the size of cabins. It just looked like a giant brown tarp with rips and tears. Cartman looked up at Todd. "What the hell are those?"

"Those are our lodges!"

"Lodges are cabins assface!" Cartman shouted in defiance.

"Yes, technically they are, but here at Camp Happy Sun, we like to call them our lodges. Now, everybody get into tent groups. Each group can have up to five. Then, pick a tent!"

The boys all broke off into groups immediately. Stan turned around to face Kyle and Cartman. "Okay, I guess we could all group."

"I don't want to share a tent with him..." Kyle pointed at Cartman in anger.

"Fuck you Kahl"

"Just go with it Kyle...Who else would we have anyways?" Stan said. "So, you two, me, and Kenny."

"What about me?" Butters approached them.

"Find your own tent, Butters" Cartman shooed.

"But the other tents are full..." The blonde replied quietly, tapping his fists together.

"Ugh... Okay fine... You two, me, Kenny, and Butters..." Stan sighed.

"Wait, where is Kenny even at?" Kyle asked, realizing their parka-wearing friend was nowhere to be found.

"He's not here?" Stan asked in surprise.

"Oh hamburgers! Did he get eaten by a bear?" Butters gasped in fear.

"Don't be ridiculous Butters... Maybe he just didn't come at all?" Stan thought aloud.

"No, I saw him on the bus" Cartman countered.

"Then where the hell is he?"

.~.~.~.

"Okay girls! Now that we're all settled in, let's get to know each other!" Mary said, sitting in a circle. "I'll go first. I first became a councilor..."

"This is stupid... We already know each other" Wendy whispered.

"I know right? When can we go to the beach? I heard they had one." Bebe replied.

"I hope so..."

"Okay sweetie, it's your turn!" Mary clapped her hands.

"Me?" Wendy asked, pointing to herself. Mary nodded. "Ugh..." She stood up. "Hello... My name is Wendy..."

"Hello girl I've never seen before!" Heidi Turner blurted out sarcastically.

"That's kinda it..." Wendy sat back down.

"Good job! Okay, how about you sweetie?" Mary pointed.

The person stood up. "mmmmph mmrmm mpmh" They replied in a muffled voice, then sat back down.

"Kenny? What the hell are you doing here?!" Wendy whispered.

Kenny looked over and shrugged. After the other girls said their names, Mary grabbed a bag.

"Okay girls! How about we bond some more? Make over time!" She exclaimed in a sing-song voice.

"(Woohoo!)" Kenny cheered.

.~.~.~.

 **A/N: So um... yeah here's this. Sorry this is kinda short, it's sorta like a prologue I guess.**


	2. Chapter 2

Cartman was the first to walk into the "lodge". When he did, he was greeted with a cloud of dust to his face. After a brief coughing fit, he left the entrance way with Kyle, Stan, and Butters following behind.

"Dude, this place is disgusting" Kyle cringed as he looked around. The beds were just dusty matrices with drawers underneath.

"What the hell is this thing?" Cartman questioned, grabbing a see-thru net that was around the beds.

Stan walked over and examined it with narrowed eyes. "Um... a bug net?"

"Bug net!?" Cartman repeated in disgust. "This place is awful!"

"I guess it could be worse..." Kyle sighed as he opened the drawer underneath the bed he claimed. As he did, something bolted out. Kyle jumped back in shock.

Cartman jumped onto one of the beds with a screech. "SQUIRELL!" he shrieked as a chipmunk scurried around the tent. It ran out the tent's entrance quickly.

"Aww, how cute" Butters smiled as the rodent left.

Kyle stood up, his eyes still wide. "It's a chipmunk dumbass," he corrected Cartman, who was still shaking. "By the way, that's your bed now"

"W-Whatever Kahl" the fat fourth-grader countered with a slight stutter as he jumped off the bed. When Butters and Stan each chose a bed, there was one left.

"I guess that will be Kenny's bed" Stan said, putting his stuff away.

"Well, until we find him..." Cartman walked over to the empty bed and threw his stuff onto it.

"You know there are drawers under the beds," Kyle pointed out.

"Hell no, I'm not opening that drawer" Cartman snorted and laid down on his own bed. He rolled around a bit before he got semi-comfortable. Just as he did, Councilor Todd's voice rang out.

"Okay troopers! Everybody outside to the gathering circle!"

Cartman sat up with a groan. He got up off of his bed and followed the others outside to a circle of tree stump benches. The boys glanced to each other before approaching. As they were about to sit down, a different councilor showed up. Todd looked over at the visitor.

"Hello! May I help you?" he asked, walking up to him.

"Hello. I'm Dave, the councilor for another school. We're at the opposite side of camp. I have an extra student, but we ran out of space at our camp. Can he stick with you guys?" The councilor stepped aside to reveal the kid he was talking about. He had large eyes that were very far apart. He wore dorky clothes and his mouth was a distorted grin.

Stan, Kyle, and Cartman looked over with wide eyes. "Oh no" they all mumbled in unison.

The kid smiled and wandered over. "Kyle!" he cheered n a deep, demonic voice.

Kyle sighed and rolled his eyes. "Hello Alfalfa."

"What is HE doing here?" Cartman whispered to Stan. "I thought he got abducted by some really tall person who crashed through the ceiling, and we all convinced ourselves that the day was just one big acid trip?"

"Well I... guess he's real? And for some reason he's here again..." Stan sighed heavily.

"Oh boy, it's okay fellas, I'm sure he's not relevant to the plot and he's just being used as filler," Butters said, bumping his fists together.

Stan turned his head towards the blonde with a confused expression. "What the hell are you even talking about?" He shrugged like he didn't even know.

"Sure thing!" Todd said to the other councilor. "We may have an open lodge for him to stay in!"

"Oh no oh no... Act natural" Stan whispered to them. Kyle looked at the sky, Stan twiddled his thumbs, Cartman struck some kind of pose, and Butters covered his head.

"Ah yes, Lodge 2! You boys only have four members, correct?" Todd asked, approaching them.

They all glanced each other, mumbling random words. "Well we do but..." Stan started. "I mean, Kenny is supposed to be in our group..."

"Well, I'm not seeing anyone else," Todd shook his head with a smile. He glanced over to Alfalfa. "Guess these are your new lodge mates!"

The boys all groaned in unison. Stan looked over at them with anger. "What the hell was that?" He whispered viscously. "I told you to act natural!"

"What were we supposed to do?" Kyle growled back.

"Whatever, we just need to find Kenny so we don't have to share a tent with...that..." Stan shuddered, eying Alfalfa in fear. He was standing by a tree, starring and whispering things to it.

Kyle nodded. "Okay. I'm sure we'll find him eventually. But until then, let's just stay as far away from him as possible."

Todd finally sat in the middle of the "gathering circle" on a fairly large boulder. He cleared his throat before speaking. "So, I hope you all settled in well! We're all going to have a lovely time, I'm sure of that!" Most of the boys rolled their eyes. "Well, to learn a little about the camp and some of our rules and safety, we have a special song we sing."

Stan shook his head. Had he heard him correctly? A song? "Oh. My God" he groaned.

Todd took a deep breath and held up one finger. "I am a little camper, I'm helpful, brave, and smart. But as a little camper, I should take these rules to heart." Todd sang, waving his finger back and forth.

"Oh he can't be serious..." Cartman whispered.

"Don't go out into the dark, don't stray far from your friends..." Todd did motions along with the song, such as covering his finger as he talked about the dark. "Don't wander off the trails or you'll get lost around the bends. Don't eat any unknown plants or berries, they can make you sick..."

"Please stop signing or I'll punch you in the dick" Cartman mocked. Kyle and Stan snickered as well as a few others that were within earshot.

"Always take a buddy if you go off on your own, try not to wander aimlessly or you might just walk back home! These are our little rules with our little camper friends, we'll live by them so we're sure our fun will never end!" The councilor finished his childish song. The fourth graders glanced each other, some stiffling small giggles. "Okay troopers, all together now!" The boys all frowned and their laughter was silenced.

"Um... excuse me?" Kyle questioned.

Todd held up his finger once more. "Come on, I wanna hear all of your voices! I..."

The boys all groaned and held up their fingers, Craig being the one to flip everyone off. They all began to sing hesitantly. "I am a little camper... I'm helpful, brave, and smart..." They sang out unenthusiastically as they did the motions as Todd did them. "...we'll live by them so we're sure our fun will never end..." When the song finally ended, Todd stood up.

"That was great you guys! Remember, we want to have a fun and safe time here at Camp Happy Sun. If we all work together to follow the rules, everybody will have a good time. Now let me hear your forest call! CAW CAWW!"

Kyle narrowed his eyes in confusion and Cartman raised an eyebrow.

"I can't hear you!" Todd did the same thing as before, holding a hand up to his ear.

"Caw...caw caw..." The boys all mumbled.

"Great job!" Todd clapped his hands. "Now, it's time for our fun forest activity. We're going on a scavenger hunt!"

"Whoopie!" Butters cheered.

"What do they expect us to find? Pine cones?" Stan whispered sarcastically to Kyle.

"Here are your list of items to find." The boys glanced at the sheet of paper Todd handed them. On it was a bunch of commonly found objects; 1 gray rock, 1 maple leaf, 1 dark gray rock, a stick, 5 pieces of trash with a side note that says, "to keep the forest clean :)", 3 acorns, a feather, and 1 pine cone. "First group to come back with all of the items wins!"

"Um... wins what?" Cartman asked, suddenly interested.

"Wait and see!" Todd replied cheekily.

The boys rolled their eyes and started into the forest. Kyle held onto the paper, taking the lead of the line. He looked at the list of items for a few moments, before getting hit in the face with a branch. He grumbled in anger before shoving the list into his pocket. "Did anyone find anything yet?"

"Nope..." Stan replied from behind. Cartman was silent.

"Hey look fellas! A feather!" Butters cheered.

"Oh wow! Great job Butters!" Kyle praised sarcastically.

"I have found an acorn sitting beside a rock," Alfalfa announced from behind.

"Thanks..." Stan mumbled.

"I have added a second one to our collection!" Alfalfa added seconds later. "I found it underneath an oak tree."

"Okay thanks!" Stan shouted angrily.

"DAMMIT!" Cartman yelled out suddenly, followed by a branch snapping and the clumsy rustling of bushes. Stan and Kyle looked over to see the large fourth grader laying in a ditch.

"Um... are you alright?" Stan asked, peering over the side of the ditch, while Kyle held a hand over his mouth to stiffle the laughter he tried desperately to silence.

Cartman sat up and rubbed his head. "Yeah I just fell like 20 feet and I'm just peachy!" He growled in aggravation.

Butters looked over the side of the ditch. "Gee Eric, I'm no mathematician, but I don't think that's 20 feet."

He stood up and looked at the ground. He picked up something off the ground. "I found a gray rock at least..." He said dully.

"I think that's a dark gray rock Eric." Butters commented.

"DOES IT LOOK LIKE I GIVE A SHIT BUTTERS?" Cartman shouted up from the ditch.

"Well get your fat ass up here then" Kyle called down.

"Fuck you Kahl..." Cartman murmured and slowly made his way back up the ditch. After a solid 5 minutes, the group started back into the forest with Cartman limping behind.

-.-.-.-

Kyle sorted through the objects on a tree stump. "We're just missing one piece of trash..." He said after looking at the list.

"How about we just use Cartman?" Stan said, sitting on a rock.

"Ey! I am not a piece of trash Stan, you asshole!"

"Man, I guess they sure do keep this here camp clean..." Butters commented, looking at the ground.

"Well, we need to get trash. And I'm not looking around all night for a piece." Kyle huffed and leaned against a tree.

"Wait Kahl, give me the list. I'm going to do something amazing. I'm seriously. It's gonna blow your minds." Cartman walked over to the red-head.

Kyle rolled his eyes and dropped the list in his hand. "Yeah good luck..." he said blankly.

Cartman narrowed his eyes, staring at him for a few moments before he crumpled up the list. The boys' eyes all widened as he tossed it to the side and the paper fell quickly to the ground. He then looked down with mock surprise. "Oh look! Trash." He said, picking it back up.

Butters clapped his hands. "You did it Eric!"

Kyle blinked, before standing straight. "Whatever, so long as it finishes this dumb scavenger hunt..."

"Do you think it will count though?" Stan asked.

"Does it look like I give a damn about that?" Kyle replied angrily. "I just want to get this over with so we can get out of these stupid woods!"

"And eat," Cartman added.

Kyle was silent for a second before saying, "You know what I actually agree with fattso this time. I could eat, so long as I don't get food poisoning from the meals here." With that, he started back towards the camp. The others followed behind him. Kyle dodged the branch that hit him last time and continued on the path. After what seemed like an eternity, they finally reached the clearing. Cartman felt like he was about to pass out.

Todd skipped over to them. "Great job you guys! You've found all of the objects!" He spoke happily.

Cartman groaned and fixed his hat, that was sitting lopsided on his head. "Alright alright, so what did we win?"

Todd frowned, looking behind them. "Oh I'm sorry troopers, but you actually got here second."

"Second?!" Cartman yelled back. He looked behind him to see Craig, Token, Clyde, Tweek, and Jimmy sitting on one of the logs. "Sons of bitches!" The large fourth grader exclaimed in anger.

"Sorry man," Clyde responded with a shrug. "I guess we're just better at finding things than you all are."

"Fuck you Clyde!" Cartman countered and plopped down onto the log opposite to them. He turned his back from everyone with his arms crossed in a pout, and starred off deep into the forest.

Kyle dropped all of the items he was carrying. "You know what, I don't even care. Have the prize," the red head sat down on another log and pulled his knees up so they were under his chin. He wrapped his arms around them and laid his forehead on top.

"Yeah, what is our prize?" Token asked.

Todd crouched down to grab something out of a bag that was near the circle of log benches. After rummaging through it for awhile, he grabbed a folded paper. He unfolded it, revealing a large poster with everyone's name on it. He stapled the poster to a large, prominent tree, then went back to the bag to grab yet another thing. This time, it was a sticker sheet. "For every good deed or activity you complete, you get a 'Forest Point'." Todd peeled a sticker off from the sheet and placed it in the column next to each of the winning team member's names.

Craig and friends all looked over with shocked expressions. "Are-a-are you sh-sh-shitting me?" Jimmy asked in disbelief.

"This had better be a joke..." Craig closed his eyes and put his forehead into his hands. "You know, Tweek almost got attacked by a badger trying to get a feather?"

"I-it's true!" The jittery blonde confirmed.

"But Forest Points are very special! Once you get a certain amount, you can trade them in for a cool prize!" Todd explained.

"Like what? A compass that only points northeast? Or a switchblade comb?" Craig asked dully.

"You'll have to find out!" Todd replied.

"Guess we're not really missing out then, huh?" Stan mumbled, sitting next to Kyle, who replied with a tired shrug. Stan tried to get comfortable on the log before adding, "So what now? Are we waiting for the other people to get back?"

Kyle looked up, resting his chin on his folded arms. "I guess so, but they better hurry the hell up..." It took about another ten minutes before the leaves rustled, and the rest of the groups made their way into camp once more. They all frowned in unison seeing that they were not the first ones back.

"It's about damn time..." Cartman mumbled before standing up. "Yo councilor, when do we get to eat?"

Todd put his hands on his hips and looked around at the groups. "Well, since everybody's here..." He paused to look at his watch, then added, "And its almost time for food, so we can probably head over to the mess hall. Alrighty troopers, everyone in a single file line!" The students did as told and followed the councilor through the trees.

The fourth graders dragged their feet in exhaustion as they made their way along the dirt path. Cartman's loud stomach could be heard from the back of the line, followed by an irritated groan when Todd answered, "It's a surprise" when he asked him what they would be eating.

"So, do you think Kenny will be at the cafeteria?" Kyle asked, remembering that their friend had been absent from their group. "Since he's not with us, maybe he got mistakingly put into another group?"

Stan shrugged, putting his hands into his pockets. "Maybe," he replied simply. Then he looked up at the sound of Todd.

"We're here!" He announced, pointing towards a large log building. He led the children into the house, standing beside the doorway to allow them to go inside. "There are the tables, feel free to sit wherever you'd like and food will be served to you." With that, the kids dispersed and sat at their own tables. Stan looked from side to side, scanning the large room for a table. His eyes landed on Wendy sitting at a table with the other girls. To his surprise, he noticed Kenny sitting across from her.

"So, where should we sit?" Kyle asked, searching the tables as well.

Stan grabbed his arm. "Over here," he said and led him over with Cartman and Butters followed behind. When they arrived at the table, Stan instantly got complaints from Cartman.

"Oh come on, we're not sitting by the stupid girls..." He groaned loudly, causing Wendy and a few others looked up.

"Stan? What are you guys doing over here?" She asked, looking at the faces of the boys that approached, glaring when her eyes landed on the larger of the four.

"Um... Can we sit here?" The black haired boy asked sheepishly.

Bebe looked up with a cocked eyebrow. "Why do you guys want to sit here? There's a whole table with the other guys right over there."

"We just needed to talk to our friend," Stan answered, glancing over at Kenny, who started slouching down in his seat.

Kyle looked over Stan's shoulder in confusion. "Wait a minute, Kenny? What are you doing over here?"

The parka wearing fourth grader sat up a bit and explained in his typical muffled voice.

"What do you mean you went into the girl's cabin? Did they mistake you for a girl?" When Kenny shrugged, Stan added, "Well we need to talk to someone to get you transferred to the guys group."

Kenny crossed his arms. "Mmmphm mmmphm mm mmmrmm mrrm," he argued.

"Wait, you want to be in the girls cabin?" Kyle tilted his head in confusion. Kenny nodded and spoke again. "Nicer? How much nicer?

"Wait a second, did you say that the girls have cabins?" Cartman butted in.

"You guys don't?" Wendy questioned.

"We wish... We have these shitty tents that have chipmunks and bugs in them..." Some of the girls began snickering. "EY! It's not funny!"

"Alright alright," Bebe chuckled and crossed her arms on the table. "Out of pity you can sit here."

"Yeah right, like we'd want to sit-"

"Okay thanks," Stan interrupted Cartman and sat down beside Wendy. Kyle sat beside him, and Cartman and Butters sat across them beside Kenny.

"So Ken, you should really come back to our group. You don't want to hang out with these girls," Kyle said.

"Actually, Kenny has been really cool. He's pretty fun to hang around," Red spoke up from a few seats down.

Cartman scowled in her direction. "Well he's our friend so he has to be with us!"

"Well it's his choice whether or not he wants to go," Wendy said. We don't mind him in the girls cabin, so if he really wants to stay, we're cool with that."

"Dude you don't understand, we need you back," Stan pleaded.

Kenny looked over in interest. "Mmph?"

"Because that one kid who was at our school a few months ago is in our tent and we really don't want him there. It's Alfalfa, remember that foreign exchan-"

"(Oh hell no)," Kenny turned away.

"Please dude!" Kenny shook his head. Stan sighed and shrugged to his friends. "Guess we have to live with him."

"You're such an ass Kenny," Cartman huffed.

"Shut up," Kyle countered. "If he wants to stay with the girls then he can."

"We'll take care of him," Heidi said.

Cartman narrowed his eyes, casting a hard glare at the females at the table. "Don't be doing sexual things to him you snakes," he growled, earning several disgusted looks from them and a disappointed sound from the parka-wearing fourth grader.

Just then, the room began to silence as the councilors began to gather up front. One from another group stepped forward. "Good evening everyone! I hope you're all ready to eat. Today we are serving hamburgers."

"Dude kick ass!" Cartman voiced his approval.

"Yeah that actually does kinda good," Stan agreed. The councilors began placing trays of burgers on the tables, followed by condiments to put onto them. There were also things of chips placed at the table. Everybody began taking their share. After a few moments of eating, Kyle said,

"Okay so it tastes really weird, but otherwise it's not too bad."

"I agree. I was expecting some weird mush or something," Stan said before taking another bite. "It does taste kinda weird though. Like it's not like the burgers we'd eat back at home."

Halfway through eating, Kyle took a closer look at the food. After studying it for a few silent moments, his eyes widened. "Dude this is hella raw."

Stan looked as well, making a disgusted expression. "Dude mine too. It's like they didn't even cook them, they just caked them with spices or whatever and threw them in the microwave."

Kyle examined the patty more. "I don't even know if this is regular meat or not."

Cartman, already finished with his hamburger, said, "Here let me see it."

Stan set his own down on his plate while Cartman observed Kyle's across from him. "Yeah I've lost my appetite…."

"Me too…. In fact… I'm not feeling too well now…" Kyle agreed sluggishly.

After a whole minute of thoughtful hums, Cartman put down the hamburger patty. "Just as I suspected, human meat. I'd know the look and texture anywhere."

"Cartman knock it off," Stan scolded. "It's not human meat."

"Stan I know what that shit looks like, I've made human chili before."

Stan swallowed, shifting uncomfortably in his chair. "Y-yeah I know you have but… There's no way that these people are using humans…"

"Dude I'm positive. They probably use all of the kids who don't follow the rules or get lost in the forest. They strap them down and chop off their limbs, cutting open their stomach and chest."

"Dude shut the hell up!" Stan said angrily, casting a worried glance at Kyle who seemed to get paler by the second.

Wendy looked around Stan in concern. "Hey Kyle, are you alright?"

"Then you harvest the organs and chop those up since you don't want to waste those bits…."

"Ewwww…" Butters recoiled in disgust.

"Hey dumbass stop it," Wendy barked.

"That's probably why you thought it was raw," He continued, ignoring her. "They probably did cook it it just looks like that because it's all fleshy and blood colored."

"Oh my God…." Kyle mumbled in a panic, standing up.

Stan turned to him in concern. "Dude are you okay? What's wrong?"

"Shit I'm gonna be..OH FU-" Kyle turned from the others, being cut off as he threw up on the ground. His hands flew up to his mouth trying to stop himself, but it helped about as much as you'd expect.

Cartman pushed his chair away. "Jesus Christ Kahl! I was joking! I may have made human chili but I wouldn't actually eat it. This is off brand beef. Probably made of the worst parts of the cow."

"Woah dude!" Stan exclaimed, standing up beside his friend and putting an arm around him. By now the entire cafeteria was staring in his direction, letting out several murmurs. Stan noticed this and started leading the still vomiting redhead outside. Wendy, Butters, and Kenny followed behind. When they got outside, Kyle was leaned against the side of the building with Stan rubbing his back.

"Is he alright?" Wendy asked worriedly.

"I think so, that food just didn't settle well," Stan replied.

One of the other councilors stood in the doorway, looking around at the group of kids. "Hey, if he needs to, he can go down to the First Aid building, they may have something that can help him."

Stan looked down at Kyle, who responded with a shake of his head. "He's okay, he just needs a minute."

"I just… need to go.. to the bathroom…." Kyle groaned between choked sounds.

'Alright," the councilor said. "It's up on the hill. Make sure you take another person with you if you go anywhere."

"Okay, I'll take him," Stan said, allowing Kyle to lean against him. "Let's go buddy."

"Hope you feel better Kyle!" Butters called out as they walked away.

Wendy looked over at the two remaining boys beside her. "I didn't think the food was _that_ gross."

Kenny replied with a shrug. "(It was fine to me)."

"Poor Kyle, he looked really sick," Butters said sadly.

Wendy nodded in agreement. "Yeah… The rest of this trip is starting to look not as promising…"

-.-.-.-

Stan stood against the open door of one of the stalls, judging the overall quality of the restroom. Just as he suspected, it was about as gross as he imagined. There was defiantly something alive growing on the walls, the entire place reeked of death, not to mention half of the toilets were neglected, collecting God knows what on them.

After finding the cleanest toilet and putting down layer upon layer of toilet paper around the ring of the toilet seat, Kyle sat on his knees, laying his head against one of his arms that was resting on the edge of the seat. Stan looked down at him every once in awhile to make sure he was alright. After arriving at the building, he had thrown up at least two more times, one on the way up to the bathrooms in a bush. He felt heavy sympathy for his friend, wishing he could do something, but knew that he didn't want to go to the First Aid building in fear it would make it worse.

After 15 minutes of silence, Kyle finally spoke in a quiet voice. "Hey Stan?"

"Yeah dude?"

"Can you hand me my bag? I dropped it when I came in here. It's by the sinks."

Stan looked over in the direction he spoke of, seeing the small, dark green, backpack-like bag on the ground. "Woah I didn't even know you had that with you," he commented as he picked it up.

"I've been carrying it around my shoulder ever since we first put our stuff in our tents. I wanted something for emergencies." When he was handed the bag, Kyle dug through it until he found a bottle of Pepto Bismol. He opened it up and took a few gulps before moving over to the side of the stall, resting his back against it.

Stan's eyes widened. "You brought medicine? How the hell did you get away with that?"

"Nobody will be suspect it since a lot of other kids have little backpacks. Plus, I'm pretty good about concealing things I guess. Remember when we went to the movies and I hid all of the candy boxes in my hat?"

"Oh right… Anyways, are you doing any better?"

"Yeah, I just need a few more minutes…"

"Okay, I guess I'll wait outside for you," Stan said before walking out of the stall and out of the building.

"That's cool, I'll be out in a bit…" Kyle said as he watched him leave. He sat still for a few seconds watching the door. The he stood up slowly and a closed the stall door, locking it. He sat back down and rummaged through the bag at his feet. He pulled out a small laptop. He flipped it open and turned it on, waiting a minute or two for it to start up and load the desktop, before he clicked on the internet icon. He pulled up an antenna his dad installed for him that allowed a further range to search for wi-fi signals.

"Come on…" He mumbled, watching the loading wheel spin as the computer searched for nearby internet. Suddenly, he connected to some restaurant's free wi-fi. "Thank God… It's weak but it'll do". He moved the cursor up to the search bar, typing in, "Camp Happy Sun". "There has to be some kind of info on this place…" he murmured to himself as he clicked on a link. "Welcome to Camp Happy Sun," Kyle read the words on the website's homepage. "The happiest campground in Colorado. Yeah, happy my ass. Are there any reviews?" He left the site and regrettably searched the Yelp reviews. 3 stars shockingly.

"Camp Happy Sun is a fun place to send your kids. They will have the time of their lives," Kyle read. "Between fun activities and educational experiences, any program you join is sure to-" A noise outside cut him off. Kyle looked up. "Stan? Is that you?" When there was no reply, Kyle sighed and closed out, shutting down his computer. He picked it up and walked out of the stall.

Before he could put the laptop away, another sound came from outside. Voices. Kyle clutched his computer against his chest and slid his backpack onto his back. Quietly he walked out the opposite door Stan walked out of and looked around outside. "Stan? Are you over here?" he called again. He looked around, noticing that the sun had already set most of the way, so he took out a flashlight from his bag. 'Thank Abraham for preparedness checklists…' he thought before he made his way into the woods.

-.-.-.-

"Good Lord it's been 15 minutes, how long is he going to sit in there…" Stan complained, kicking a rock between his feet. Just then, he heard footsteps nearby. He looked up. "Hey Kyle, it's about ti-" He stopped when he saw the faces of Wendy and Bebe approaching. "Oh hey you guys. Woman's bathroom is on the other side."

"We just came to check on you guys. Kenny talked with Butters and Cartman and they said you weren't back yet," Wendy explained.

"You've been up here for a long time, is Kyle okay?" Bebe asked.

"Yeah he's fine. He said he needed a minute, but he's taking his sweet ass time."

"Well you should check on him then!" Wendy scolded.

Stan sighed sharply and opened the door. "Hey Kyle come on, we should go now," he called out as he walked in. The girls hesitantly followed.

"Ugh this bathroom is nasty!" Bebe cringed. "Is the other one like this too?"

Stan pushed open the stall door open, surprised that Kyle wasn't there. He looked in the rest of the stalls, gradually becoming more panicked. "Kyle!? Where the hell are you?"

"He's not here?" Wendy questioned, looking around. "Where do you think he went?"

"Oh God I don't know…" Stan opened the opposite door frantically.

"You don't think he went back to the tent do you?"

"No he wouldn't, he's smart enough not to go off on his own!" Stan stopped, looking off into the distant woods. He closed his eyes, trying to think. "He wouldn't have left unless he had a reason… Dammit I should have checked on him…"

"Stan it's okay," Wendy said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "We'll find him. I brought a few flashlights with me, he couldn't have gone far."

Stan turned, taking a flashlight when she handed him one. "Thanks Wends. Let's go." He rushed out the door, running into the woods with the girls close behind.

-.-.-.-

"So Butters…" Cartman said, laying on his bed as he stared up through a hole in the tent. "Do you think Kyle and Stan got eaten by a bear?"

Butters looked up from his doodling in a small notebook to give him a concerned look. "Oh gee Eric, I sure hope not."

"They either got eaten or they're off banging in the forest somewhere, those gaywads."

"Fat One, could you please explain your claims about the absence of Stan and Kyle? I believe that possession of firearms is not allowed in the camp, so they cannot shoot in the forest."

"Hey Alfalfa?"

"Yes Fat One?"

"Can you shut the fuck up please?"

"Hey Eric? Are you asleep?"

"Butters did you not hear me talking like two seconds ago?"

Butters was silent for a moment before saying, "Do Easter eggs taste different then real eggs?"

Cartman let out a sigh of annoyance. "Goddammit this is gonna be a long week…"

-.-.-.-

 **A/N: Wow this was longer than I expected it to be. Hopefully I can commit to the rest of the chapters being this long. Also, the whole Alfalfa character is from one of my other fanfictions that I wrote called The New Kid. It's a total crack fic based off of some video I made 3 years ago. I was at a major writers block and I had no idea what else to add, plus my brother kept bugging me about having another story with him in it, so I apologize. He isn't an actual main character I swear.**

 **I also want to mention that most of this is speaking from experience. I had these awful tent things at the summer camp I went to several years ago with bug nets and a chipmunk in the drawers. Most of the things in this I will probably use ideas from past summer camp experiences, just saying. Anywho, I'll shut up now, I hope you enjoy this train wreck :)**

 **~KTCK**


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